Apr 30, 2012
A Problem Halved, with Auntie Veal : Poor Crampon.
Dear Auntie Veal,
I am at my wits’ end. My golden retriever, Crampon, has developed a romantic attachment to next door’s Fiat Punto. Apparently this is clogging the exhaust, and they are demanding compensation. I maintain that the love between a hound and his hatchback is a beautiful thing. Please help.
Dog Lover of Catbrain
Dear Dog Lover,
Heaven knows I’ve had my share of mischievous pets - in the late 60s I found a sizeable lizard while cleaning up after a cocktail party and kept it for the larks. I thought he was a jolly old thing but my, how he menaced poor Teddy! Used to chase him round the conservatory for hours. Tremendous fun, but we had to get rid of him after he turned out to be a she and eggs starting cropping up in untoward places.
However, it’s clear to me that you are the villain of this piece. It’s not unheard of for both animals and humans to form sexual attachments to inanimate objects - my own mother reassured me of that on my wedding day. To let your dog take advantage of your neighbours’ runabout is, however, downright rude.
The wretched mutt is frustrated, man! If you can’t put him out to stud then it’s time you took the matter in hand. Dogs are very much like husbands – they must be fed, watered and serviced on a regular basis or it’s the furniture that suffers. Teddy has gnawed clean through my occasional table.
If you can’t deal with this, my darling, I would suggest you send the dog off to a farm in the country and content yourself with something unthreateningly asexual, like a snail or will.i.am.
P.S. As far as de-clogging the exhaust pipe is concerned, try a vigorously applied olive oil and sea salt scrub.
If you’re in a sticky situation and need some advice, send your problem to firstname.lastname@example.org