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May 8, 2012

How to Attack Your Beast of a Sister and Survive for at Least One More Day - Meg Tuite

Set up your bathroom as if it were an apartment for the day.
Make three peanut butter sandwiches a head of time. You must plan for a full day of meals in case a parent shows up late, hopefully to save you and not beat you.

Pick out a book, preferably long and mesmerizing to help keep your sister’s pounding and cursing somewhere in a faraway land.

A pitcher of Kool-Aid goes a long way.

Keep a mop or some long heavy object with you, just in case the lock is faulty.

Stare in the mirror. Pray to any saint or dead relative who will listen to keep your sister from smothering you in your sleep.

Once the bathroom is set, quietly slink down the stairs or into whichever room your sister is relaxing.

It’s best if she’s dozing on the couch, unsuspecting any subterfuge from you.

Focus in on some area of her body she loves most. My sister is partial to her long, shiny pigtails.

Do not cut anything off. Nothing that can be used as evidence against you. This might mean catching the wrath from your parents for a lifetime, possibly even being kicked out of your house and you haven’t made enough sandwiches for that.

Take a slow, deep breath and slink up from behind the couch and yank that tail as hard as you can or smack whatever area you have chosen.

Screech, Scratch, Shove. Throw a lamp. Anything to startle her for a moment, giving you more time for the getaway.

Leap up the stairs, three at a time if possible and lock that damn door as fast as you can before her body slams against it. I highly suggest practicing the running and locking a few times before actually putting it into motion with a sibling.

Sit on the toilet and get your heart rate back down while you hum and try to drown out the psychotic threats coming from outside.

Drink some Kool-aid. Thank your god, goddess or coach from track for getting you safely to your destination.

Pull out a sandwich and your book and lean up against the door. If you found any earplugs, adjust them deeply into your ears and try and relax.

Then wait and wait and pray.


  1. This is beautiful. Everything one could want in life.

    Except possibly the fentanyl drip.

    (Guess it was the Kool-Aid made the devil say that.)

    1. i have an aversion to kool aid. my mom made it without sugar because sugar is bad. always was pissed about that as a kid. i get it now.